Feeling Sad and Lonely

October 20, 2013
I have been studying all week because I went back to College, after many years.  I attended The College of New Jersey, and when I attended, it was TSC!  I have so many memories there, that is where I fell in love with my husband, and was on the Gymnastics Team!  I loved my time at school, young, free, finally away from home, and in love and working out in Gymnastics, which I loved!
Now, it is many years later, and I was accepted back in, with most of my credits in tact from years ago!  So, I only have a few semesters left to graduate with a Psychology Degree.  I feel at this time in my life I need to do something more, and always wanted to become a therapist.  I need so much more in my life now, for myself, now that my children are all grown.  And so I am ready, and I have so much extra time now because I am not in a relationship, and felt it was time.
I have been in a weird mood all weekend, those days I feel so lonely, don't like my life, and can't wait for a change.  I know I am in charge of the change, but don't even know what will make me happy at this point in my life.  I still have days that I wake up sad I am divorced, and I split my family of five apart.  My children had to live for ten years, sharing their time between me and their Dad, each of us missing special, growing up time with them.  I missed so much, so many Holidays they went with their Dad, and having to share them during the school week, missing them so much when they weren't with me. I wonder if I will every get past these feelings of pain and tears, over loosing my children.  That is how it made me feel, as if I "lost" them.  I was a stay at home mom, kissed them good night every night, woke up to them, and that loss is really difficult for me to get through.  The tears never seem to go away over this, coming back year after year.

 My ex husband fought for custody of my children and won.  How could a Judge decide on this when I wasn't sick, drunk, or neglectful?  I don't know how it would have happened, except for maybe who my brother-in-law was at the time, Chief Detective to the Prosecutor's Office.  I grew up in a world of being raised Catholic, being raised to be honest, loving, kind, and giving to others.  I did not grow up in a world of corruption, or "it's all who you know".  I pretty much had no idea about this type of behavior, and didn't understand it at all.  So, I was pretty blinded by it all, although others worried about it for me.  I didn't even know my ex was going to fight for full custody, I was a stay at home Mom, and he worked all the time, getting home at 8:00 pm during the week.  If I knew this was going to happen, I would never have wanted a divorce.  I think part of his doing was to not have to pay me child support, as he didn't even want to pay me alimony.  It is so sad that a Judge, and all the therapists we went to, did not care about the well being of three beautiful, wonderful children, having to deal with the pain and arguing of their parents for years.  How do people in the field of making major life decisions for children, not have enough compassion for their well being, to take them from their mother, who was always home with them, and not allow them to sleep at my home during the School week?  It is so sad they did not care enough about the children they were suppose to help and protect.  Help them to be with their Mother, their major care taker, the parent they preferred to be with full time!  

The tears I cried over loosing and missing my children still haunts me today.  Still, I have days like today, waking up so sad to not have my family any longer, so sad missing the man that I so loved, even through his angry moments, and I don't know why.  I don't know why I still get upset over that loss.  And now, I have an entire future ahead of me to do anything I want, and I don't want anything but my life back, my marriage and children with me!  It has been ten years, and still it gets to me, I still cry over it, and can't seem to shake the sadness for long.  It always seems to come back and haunt me.  I know to stay focused on my future, on what I want to manifest in my life, but I still go backwards.  So hard to always stay focused and positive, when your innate feelings are one of sadness and pain.
And pain!! And boy, do I have that.  I have been struggling with pain for years, have some herniated discs in my neck and back, and fibromyalgia that I just am starting to realize the pain it has been causing all along in my body.  The pain is there daily, constantly.  Some days, at least once or twice a month, it leaves me in bed for days due to the pain becoming so bad, it goes into my head, like a stabbing toothache, and makes me vomit.  Lately it lasts from three to four days in severe pain can't get out of bed, can't even deal with the pain either.  Then for one to two days the pain becomes so bad it makes me vomit.  The Doctor's don't seem to know why I vomit, or know how to treat the pain.  I have been to so many different types of Doctors, with no help from them!  This, along with the rest of my life, make it just so much more fun! (lol) Ha!! I wish I could joke when I am in that type of pain, I feel I can't even live through the pain, I ask why? And how can no one be able to help me? 
So, I have the pain of the past haunting me, even though I stop those thoughts and re enter positive ones they still appear, the pain in my body, and the feeling of, "I can't do this any longer!"  I know I have to dream and believe I already have.  So, I dream of my home on the ocean or the lake, with the man I love and loves me in return, and my children, family, nieces, nephews, great nephews and friends.  All of us laughing and having fun, enjoying each other, enjoying the earth, the sun, the water, and thanking God and the Universe for it all!!!!
Namaste