March 4, 2014

I woke up feeling really sad today.  Sad about my past which I thought was behind me.  Sad about my children being taken from me during my divorce, and how any man that I loved, could take his three children away from their mother who never left them, who stayed home to raise them.  I am suppose to forgive him and move on, and it's so hard to do.  I try, I wish him peace and happiness, but I hate him for not only what he did to me, but to our three children!  What could go through his mind when they would cry for me, to stay, and he would drag them from me, leaving all of us in tears.  That loss for all of us causes pain and suffering.  My daughter of 21 just expressed to me the other night about how when she was young she cried for me every night, prayed to God to bring me back, and it never happened, and she lost faith in her God.  I am so sad today, sad for myself, and for what I did to my children.  I look back and wish I never divorced him, never having to ever leave my children.  The children I wanted when I was 18, but didn't have until my 30's because my ex went to Chiropractor School a few years after College, and he forced me to wait.  Too much pain to get over, my childhood, my marriage, my divorce, the pain of loosing my children, and struggling financially for ten years!  Its all getting to me today!