Thursday, November 21, 2013
Turning Worry into Faith and Gratitude
Nov 21, 3013
So, another day!! To be grateful for! I wake up again, with so much on my mind, the work I have to get done in three weeks, worry, worry, worry. So, they say not to worry! To have faith in the Universe, God, and know all things will be fine. All things are fine now! Ha, yes, that's it just pretend! Keep putting thoughts in your head of love and abundance!! I am loved! I am abundant in health, wealth, love and joy! How long do I have to do this until it truly is my new reality?? They say we manifested where we are now by the power of our thoughts! I know, that is a hard one to accept, which I am still working on. Why would I want a life of hurt and pain in my childhood and with my husband, why would I want to struggle financially after my divorce and ever struggle financially? And not having a family any longer?
Who wants a life filled with struggle? Not me, my new vision is one of peace, harmony, happiness, love, joy and bliss! What is the point of living, if we aren't happy and having fun? Surrounding ourselves with amazing people to hang out with, be around, and be there for! I am working on all these things, my beautiful home on the water, the Ocean, bay or lake (I think I need to decide on that one too) with my family and friends abound, with a man standing beside me with his arms wrapped around me! Laughing, jumping in the water and really just enjoying life! No matter how much money we have, it can not provide the love and connection I feel when I am with loved ones. And, that is what it is all about for me, bonding, connecting, caring about others, being there for each other. Living, laughing, loving, wouldn't that be nice.
I know life goes on, we all grow up, but I did not realize how much getting older changes who you are. When your kids grow up, and leave the nest, it totally means, "Ok, it's time for you and your life!" The sad thing for me now is, I don't want my own life, I want a life filled with others in it, filled with the love and laughter of others. It would be great if I was married, but I am not, and it's just me, and I love people. And, it is more fun to be with family and friends, then being alone, in the house every day. Growing up in a large family, there was always people around. And when my brothers (I have six), had girlfriends and got married, there were so many of us at my Mom's house having dinner, celebrating holidays, etc. I loved it and didn't even realize how much I did when I was younger.
And then when I got married, and my husbands brothers did, we were together all the time. I had two sister in laws from his family, and we were instant best friends, all Aquarians, all so much alike, and hung out together all the time. Every weekend we got together and hung out at someone's pool and had a BBQ. Sunday was always family day, always the day to hang out and reconnect. When we all had children, we were together just about every day in the summer, hang out in someone's pool. Our children grew up together, and my three children had seven cousins to hang out with daily! My one sister in law had a son, and then triplets, and my other sister in law had a daughter, son, and twins.
Another reason why this being alone thing is hard for me, because we were with family constantly, and, we were always there for each other. Always helping when needed, always bringing food to the BBQ, always helping clean up the kitchen during a holiday. How I took that all for granted at the time, and realize now how blessed I was. And now its gone, life is so different! Everyone and everything changes it seems. Changes, I am so tired of. I want a home, to stay in, with family around forever, until life goes on. Never did I realize when I was married how much life could change from day to day. Being married is amazing to me, you have the love and support of each other, of a family, and no matter what happens out there in the world you can handle, can deal with, because you are not alone. You have this connection, this bond, that holds yourself together, knowing you are supported in life and not alone. And the love, the love you get from each other, from your children, is the biggest support and joy of all!
Amen
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Feeling Sad
November 3, 2013
Wow, having a really hard few days! Always in the morning when I wake up sad, sad about my life and where I currently am. Wish I still had a family, either the one I had with my ex, or the family I had growing up! HaHa, I know, crazy, but that's just how I have been feeling lately, missing family, wanting family around, good friends, loved ones! I have been divorced ten years, and many of those years I have been alone. Now I want to reach out, and be with someone, try this again. Even to have close friends around, to hang out with, get together with would be great too. I really don't have that. My good friends are very few, live far, and some are my sister in laws who have families and lives. My life has been my children the past ten years, and now they are grown up, doing their own thing, and not always around. I don't like them leaving, I think I have wanted them to live with me all the time, because I feel as if I lost them, and now they are grown up, ready to spread their wings and fly. Boy, when that comes I don't really know how I will handle it, so sad, all grown up, and all the things I have done wrong. Like I have already said, I know to not dwell on the negative, and to try to stay positive, but that is sometimes hard to do.
I have so much school work to do, I do not want to do anything. So, I push myself ahead, pull my books out, get in another zone, and focus and concentrate on something totally different. I guess diversion is a good thing, taking your mind off the sadness and focusing on something positive. But, we do need to feel that sadness first, but getting through it, not feeling stuck there. Like thinking of all the good things happening in your life and to FOCUS on what to be grateful for, and we all have things! I know it sounds so basic, but it is so true, when we focus on gratitude, it uplifts us, raises our vibration, and basically brings more abundance to us! How beautiful, to be able to just focus on something to be happy for, something that makes us feel good. We can be grateful for something as basic as our health, our home, our children, etc. we can come up with so many things to be grateful for! I am so grateful for my three wonderful, beautiful children, I am grateful for the home over my head, and my extended family, my brothers, sister in laws, nieces, nephews and great nephews!! The children light up my life and comfort me in so many ways I feel it in my heart!
Amen, and Love
Wow, having a really hard few days! Always in the morning when I wake up sad, sad about my life and where I currently am. Wish I still had a family, either the one I had with my ex, or the family I had growing up! HaHa, I know, crazy, but that's just how I have been feeling lately, missing family, wanting family around, good friends, loved ones! I have been divorced ten years, and many of those years I have been alone. Now I want to reach out, and be with someone, try this again. Even to have close friends around, to hang out with, get together with would be great too. I really don't have that. My good friends are very few, live far, and some are my sister in laws who have families and lives. My life has been my children the past ten years, and now they are grown up, doing their own thing, and not always around. I don't like them leaving, I think I have wanted them to live with me all the time, because I feel as if I lost them, and now they are grown up, ready to spread their wings and fly. Boy, when that comes I don't really know how I will handle it, so sad, all grown up, and all the things I have done wrong. Like I have already said, I know to not dwell on the negative, and to try to stay positive, but that is sometimes hard to do.
I have so much school work to do, I do not want to do anything. So, I push myself ahead, pull my books out, get in another zone, and focus and concentrate on something totally different. I guess diversion is a good thing, taking your mind off the sadness and focusing on something positive. But, we do need to feel that sadness first, but getting through it, not feeling stuck there. Like thinking of all the good things happening in your life and to FOCUS on what to be grateful for, and we all have things! I know it sounds so basic, but it is so true, when we focus on gratitude, it uplifts us, raises our vibration, and basically brings more abundance to us! How beautiful, to be able to just focus on something to be happy for, something that makes us feel good. We can be grateful for something as basic as our health, our home, our children, etc. we can come up with so many things to be grateful for! I am so grateful for my three wonderful, beautiful children, I am grateful for the home over my head, and my extended family, my brothers, sister in laws, nieces, nephews and great nephews!! The children light up my life and comfort me in so many ways I feel it in my heart!
Amen, and Love
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
My Angel Card Reading Certification course
October 29, 2013
Wow, had a crazy weekend! I went to see Doreen Virtue on Friday, in NYC, she was giving her Certified Angel Card Reader Course. So, now I am certified. Being there was cool, to see her in person when I have been reading her books for over ten years! I went a little crazy and bought too many Angel Card sets. But, I know I will use them, I probably could have bought them cheaper on Amazon but was so excited to buy them.
There were many attendees and Doreen was with Radcliff. It was a fun day, bonding with like minded souls, and listening to Doreen's knowledge. I have been connected to her for awhile, I attended a workshop she held in NY over ten years ago. I had read all of her books which were so enlightening to me. Since I have been reading cards for myself for years, I want to do it for others for financial abundance. I know having a certification from Doreen will truly help.
When I came home from the Course, I read cards for myself, and my daughter, and they were both so accurate!! My daughter wanted to know what she was going to do with her life. The cards said she needed to make a decision! Then when I went to pull another card for clarification, a card popped out, which was the "Author" card, and I thought it was for her, but we both decided it was for me. Doreen said any card which pops out, is a card that wants to be read! I had the "Life Purpose" cards, and the ones that came out for me were, Counseling, Children, and School. Well, that is crazy, because that is what I went back to school to do, Counsel children!! And, I have ideas to write some children's books, and so the author card is very appropriate! It really reaffirms what I want to do! My daughter's cards were about making a decision, and after I spoke to her about what she really wanted now in her life, she said she wanted children. Well, that is exactly the card I pulled when I asked for clarification.
Cards are just a way of getting a little help from above in life! Actually, Joseph had the gift of reading people's dreams, and read Pharoh's dreams and saved Egypt from the seven years of drought! So, don't be alarmed.
I have wanted to switch to spiritual ways of making a living, and this is a start in the right direction. Away I go, to read family and friends, and help others on their path of knowing, by giving positive support and love along the way!! I hope this is a start for me.
Amen
Wow, had a crazy weekend! I went to see Doreen Virtue on Friday, in NYC, she was giving her Certified Angel Card Reader Course. So, now I am certified. Being there was cool, to see her in person when I have been reading her books for over ten years! I went a little crazy and bought too many Angel Card sets. But, I know I will use them, I probably could have bought them cheaper on Amazon but was so excited to buy them.
There were many attendees and Doreen was with Radcliff. It was a fun day, bonding with like minded souls, and listening to Doreen's knowledge. I have been connected to her for awhile, I attended a workshop she held in NY over ten years ago. I had read all of her books which were so enlightening to me. Since I have been reading cards for myself for years, I want to do it for others for financial abundance. I know having a certification from Doreen will truly help.
When I came home from the Course, I read cards for myself, and my daughter, and they were both so accurate!! My daughter wanted to know what she was going to do with her life. The cards said she needed to make a decision! Then when I went to pull another card for clarification, a card popped out, which was the "Author" card, and I thought it was for her, but we both decided it was for me. Doreen said any card which pops out, is a card that wants to be read! I had the "Life Purpose" cards, and the ones that came out for me were, Counseling, Children, and School. Well, that is crazy, because that is what I went back to school to do, Counsel children!! And, I have ideas to write some children's books, and so the author card is very appropriate! It really reaffirms what I want to do! My daughter's cards were about making a decision, and after I spoke to her about what she really wanted now in her life, she said she wanted children. Well, that is exactly the card I pulled when I asked for clarification.
Cards are just a way of getting a little help from above in life! Actually, Joseph had the gift of reading people's dreams, and read Pharoh's dreams and saved Egypt from the seven years of drought! So, don't be alarmed.
I have wanted to switch to spiritual ways of making a living, and this is a start in the right direction. Away I go, to read family and friends, and help others on their path of knowing, by giving positive support and love along the way!! I hope this is a start for me.
Amen
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Feeling Sad and Lonely
October 20, 2013
I have been studying all week because I went back to College, after many years. I attended The College of New Jersey, and when I attended, it was TSC! I have so many memories there, that is where I fell in love with my husband, and was on the Gymnastics Team! I loved my time at school, young, free, finally away from home, and in love and working out in Gymnastics, which I loved!
Now, it is many years later, and I was accepted back in, with most of my credits in tact from years ago! So, I only have a few semesters left to graduate with a Psychology Degree. I feel at this time in my life I need to do something more, and always wanted to become a therapist. I need so much more in my life now, for myself, now that my children are all grown. And so I am ready, and I have so much extra time now because I am not in a relationship, and felt it was time.
I have been in a weird mood all weekend, those days I feel so lonely, don't like my life, and can't wait for a change. I know I am in charge of the change, but don't even know what will make me happy at this point in my life. I still have days that I wake up sad I am divorced, and I split my family of five apart. My children had to live for ten years, sharing their time between me and their Dad, each of us missing special, growing up time with them. I missed so much, so many Holidays they went with their Dad, and having to share them during the school week, missing them so much when they weren't with me. I wonder if I will every get past these feelings of pain and tears, over loosing my children. That is how it made me feel, as if I "lost" them. I was a stay at home mom, kissed them good night every night, woke up to them, and that loss is really difficult for me to get through. The tears never seem to go away over this, coming back year after year.
My ex husband fought for custody of my children and won. How could a Judge decide on this when I wasn't sick, drunk, or neglectful? I don't know how it would have happened, except for maybe who my brother-in-law was at the time, Chief Detective to the Prosecutor's Office. I grew up in a world of being raised Catholic, being raised to be honest, loving, kind, and giving to others. I did not grow up in a world of corruption, or "it's all who you know". I pretty much had no idea about this type of behavior, and didn't understand it at all. So, I was pretty blinded by it all, although others worried about it for me. I didn't even know my ex was going to fight for full custody, I was a stay at home Mom, and he worked all the time, getting home at 8:00 pm during the week. If I knew this was going to happen, I would never have wanted a divorce. I think part of his doing was to not have to pay me child support, as he didn't even want to pay me alimony. It is so sad that a Judge, and all the therapists we went to, did not care about the well being of three beautiful, wonderful children, having to deal with the pain and arguing of their parents for years. How do people in the field of making major life decisions for children, not have enough compassion for their well being, to take them from their mother, who was always home with them, and not allow them to sleep at my home during the School week? It is so sad they did not care enough about the children they were suppose to help and protect. Help them to be with their Mother, their major care taker, the parent they preferred to be with full time!
The tears I cried over loosing and missing my children still haunts me today. Still, I have days like today, waking up so sad to not have my family any longer, so sad missing the man that I so loved, even through his angry moments, and I don't know why. I don't know why I still get upset over that loss. And now, I have an entire future ahead of me to do anything I want, and I don't want anything but my life back, my marriage and children with me! It has been ten years, and still it gets to me, I still cry over it, and can't seem to shake the sadness for long. It always seems to come back and haunt me. I know to stay focused on my future, on what I want to manifest in my life, but I still go backwards. So hard to always stay focused and positive, when your innate feelings are one of sadness and pain.
And pain!! And boy, do I have that. I have been struggling with pain for years, have some herniated discs in my neck and back, and fibromyalgia that I just am starting to realize the pain it has been causing all along in my body. The pain is there daily, constantly. Some days, at least once or twice a month, it leaves me in bed for days due to the pain becoming so bad, it goes into my head, like a stabbing toothache, and makes me vomit. Lately it lasts from three to four days in severe pain can't get out of bed, can't even deal with the pain either. Then for one to two days the pain becomes so bad it makes me vomit. The Doctor's don't seem to know why I vomit, or know how to treat the pain. I have been to so many different types of Doctors, with no help from them! This, along with the rest of my life, make it just so much more fun! (lol) Ha!! I wish I could joke when I am in that type of pain, I feel I can't even live through the pain, I ask why? And how can no one be able to help me?
So, I have the pain of the past haunting me, even though I stop those thoughts and re enter positive ones they still appear, the pain in my body, and the feeling of, "I can't do this any longer!" I know I have to dream and believe I already have. So, I dream of my home on the ocean or the lake, with the man I love and loves me in return, and my children, family, nieces, nephews, great nephews and friends. All of us laughing and having fun, enjoying each other, enjoying the earth, the sun, the water, and thanking God and the Universe for it all!!!!
Namaste
I have been studying all week because I went back to College, after many years. I attended The College of New Jersey, and when I attended, it was TSC! I have so many memories there, that is where I fell in love with my husband, and was on the Gymnastics Team! I loved my time at school, young, free, finally away from home, and in love and working out in Gymnastics, which I loved!
Now, it is many years later, and I was accepted back in, with most of my credits in tact from years ago! So, I only have a few semesters left to graduate with a Psychology Degree. I feel at this time in my life I need to do something more, and always wanted to become a therapist. I need so much more in my life now, for myself, now that my children are all grown. And so I am ready, and I have so much extra time now because I am not in a relationship, and felt it was time.
I have been in a weird mood all weekend, those days I feel so lonely, don't like my life, and can't wait for a change. I know I am in charge of the change, but don't even know what will make me happy at this point in my life. I still have days that I wake up sad I am divorced, and I split my family of five apart. My children had to live for ten years, sharing their time between me and their Dad, each of us missing special, growing up time with them. I missed so much, so many Holidays they went with their Dad, and having to share them during the school week, missing them so much when they weren't with me. I wonder if I will every get past these feelings of pain and tears, over loosing my children. That is how it made me feel, as if I "lost" them. I was a stay at home mom, kissed them good night every night, woke up to them, and that loss is really difficult for me to get through. The tears never seem to go away over this, coming back year after year.
My ex husband fought for custody of my children and won. How could a Judge decide on this when I wasn't sick, drunk, or neglectful? I don't know how it would have happened, except for maybe who my brother-in-law was at the time, Chief Detective to the Prosecutor's Office. I grew up in a world of being raised Catholic, being raised to be honest, loving, kind, and giving to others. I did not grow up in a world of corruption, or "it's all who you know". I pretty much had no idea about this type of behavior, and didn't understand it at all. So, I was pretty blinded by it all, although others worried about it for me. I didn't even know my ex was going to fight for full custody, I was a stay at home Mom, and he worked all the time, getting home at 8:00 pm during the week. If I knew this was going to happen, I would never have wanted a divorce. I think part of his doing was to not have to pay me child support, as he didn't even want to pay me alimony. It is so sad that a Judge, and all the therapists we went to, did not care about the well being of three beautiful, wonderful children, having to deal with the pain and arguing of their parents for years. How do people in the field of making major life decisions for children, not have enough compassion for their well being, to take them from their mother, who was always home with them, and not allow them to sleep at my home during the School week? It is so sad they did not care enough about the children they were suppose to help and protect. Help them to be with their Mother, their major care taker, the parent they preferred to be with full time!
The tears I cried over loosing and missing my children still haunts me today. Still, I have days like today, waking up so sad to not have my family any longer, so sad missing the man that I so loved, even through his angry moments, and I don't know why. I don't know why I still get upset over that loss. And now, I have an entire future ahead of me to do anything I want, and I don't want anything but my life back, my marriage and children with me! It has been ten years, and still it gets to me, I still cry over it, and can't seem to shake the sadness for long. It always seems to come back and haunt me. I know to stay focused on my future, on what I want to manifest in my life, but I still go backwards. So hard to always stay focused and positive, when your innate feelings are one of sadness and pain.
And pain!! And boy, do I have that. I have been struggling with pain for years, have some herniated discs in my neck and back, and fibromyalgia that I just am starting to realize the pain it has been causing all along in my body. The pain is there daily, constantly. Some days, at least once or twice a month, it leaves me in bed for days due to the pain becoming so bad, it goes into my head, like a stabbing toothache, and makes me vomit. Lately it lasts from three to four days in severe pain can't get out of bed, can't even deal with the pain either. Then for one to two days the pain becomes so bad it makes me vomit. The Doctor's don't seem to know why I vomit, or know how to treat the pain. I have been to so many different types of Doctors, with no help from them! This, along with the rest of my life, make it just so much more fun! (lol) Ha!! I wish I could joke when I am in that type of pain, I feel I can't even live through the pain, I ask why? And how can no one be able to help me?
So, I have the pain of the past haunting me, even though I stop those thoughts and re enter positive ones they still appear, the pain in my body, and the feeling of, "I can't do this any longer!" I know I have to dream and believe I already have. So, I dream of my home on the ocean or the lake, with the man I love and loves me in return, and my children, family, nieces, nephews, great nephews and friends. All of us laughing and having fun, enjoying each other, enjoying the earth, the sun, the water, and thanking God and the Universe for it all!!!!
Namaste
Monday, September 30, 2013
First Page to my Blog !!
I have decided to start blogging my journey to self love! I always wanted to turn my journals into a book, even years ago, but did not because each time I tried, everything I read was too painful. So, now that I am on a more positive journey, one of self love, I have decided to blog it all, instead of writing it all in a journal, because then at least it's already typed! I am hoping this will be a beautiful ride, and I will learn to love and accept myself for who I am, along with the mistakes I have made, and pain I feel all the time. I am working on doing things that I love to do, things that make me feel happy, and lighthearted. I wish I had more people around me to laugh with, there is nothing like laughing, and my family isn't very funny at all. I going to focus on myself now, like everyone is telling me to do because my children are grown and will be moving out some day. That is why I am on this quest, on of loving myself. What does that mean to you? Does it mean working a job you hate, just to survive? I don't think so. Luckily I have always focused on work that I was passionate about, they gym, a trainer, a children's yoga instructor, gymnastics teacher, and a nanny. But, I know I am here to give so much more, and do so much more hear on this earth. So, let's see what happens.
So much happens when the seasons change her in New Jersey, I think all of us change to some degree. A new time, a new season, and for some reason I get sad. Sad to put my summer sandals and flip flops away!! I am a true summer bum, don't like to work in the summer, and just want to lay around in the sun and shade and relax. And also the time to go, run, fly, be physical, enjoy the water and good friends and family. I love to socialize in the summer, and be with great people. My family all use to be very close, and now some of my brothers are divorced, and we don't talk or socialize much, even though I have tried. Being raised with six brothers did not allow me the opportunity of having my sisters as life long friends, and my best friends were my sister in laws on my husbands side, who after the divorce did not talk to me. We were best friends, all were stay at home mothers, and got together almost every day with our children. I was blessed in that regard and loved those times with our children, and helping raise my nieces and nephews.
Now, I don't get to see them and it is very sad for me still, especially on a holiday when my children are going there and I am no longer part of that life that I had for 25 years, my family, my friends, my loved ones.
Now, it's just my family, who half of them don't want to be bothered. They seem to just want to be left alone for now, so I have stopped reaching out to them. We do still see each other for holidays, thank the Lord, but that's not enough for me!
Some weekends I get lonely, as I did this weekend, just missing people, my family and wanting to be around them. Anyone that I know well, to connect with, to enjoy the day with. That is when I have to reach out, see what everyone is doing, and go do it with them or go visit! So, I am learning how to reach out, sometimes I only wish I was invited. It seems as if I am always the one texting and trying to get together with my family, always the one reaching out. I go back and forth with that issue, sometimes I don't reach out and see what happens, and then I just get over it, and reach out myself, and make plans. I still ask, "Why am I the one always reaching out to get together!?" Oh well, I will find new adventures this fall, and maybe find a relationship worth being in!!
Peace and Love Always!!
So much happens when the seasons change her in New Jersey, I think all of us change to some degree. A new time, a new season, and for some reason I get sad. Sad to put my summer sandals and flip flops away!! I am a true summer bum, don't like to work in the summer, and just want to lay around in the sun and shade and relax. And also the time to go, run, fly, be physical, enjoy the water and good friends and family. I love to socialize in the summer, and be with great people. My family all use to be very close, and now some of my brothers are divorced, and we don't talk or socialize much, even though I have tried. Being raised with six brothers did not allow me the opportunity of having my sisters as life long friends, and my best friends were my sister in laws on my husbands side, who after the divorce did not talk to me. We were best friends, all were stay at home mothers, and got together almost every day with our children. I was blessed in that regard and loved those times with our children, and helping raise my nieces and nephews.
Now, I don't get to see them and it is very sad for me still, especially on a holiday when my children are going there and I am no longer part of that life that I had for 25 years, my family, my friends, my loved ones.
Now, it's just my family, who half of them don't want to be bothered. They seem to just want to be left alone for now, so I have stopped reaching out to them. We do still see each other for holidays, thank the Lord, but that's not enough for me!
Some weekends I get lonely, as I did this weekend, just missing people, my family and wanting to be around them. Anyone that I know well, to connect with, to enjoy the day with. That is when I have to reach out, see what everyone is doing, and go do it with them or go visit! So, I am learning how to reach out, sometimes I only wish I was invited. It seems as if I am always the one texting and trying to get together with my family, always the one reaching out. I go back and forth with that issue, sometimes I don't reach out and see what happens, and then I just get over it, and reach out myself, and make plans. I still ask, "Why am I the one always reaching out to get together!?" Oh well, I will find new adventures this fall, and maybe find a relationship worth being in!!
Peace and Love Always!!
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