Namaste
So, the week is almost over and I feel I barely accomplished anything, there are so many things I want to do and get done, but end up doing something else. I feel busy all the time, but there are so many things I need to get done. Pressuring myself, going to stop doing that and know I am doing exactly what I should be doing each day, healing, searching, discovering myself. Not only discovering my abilities, but also my pain. It is a time for deep change, it's happening all around us, just depends if you want to jump on that ride or not. I do, I did, and am so grateful. I truly was pretty depressed for ten years after my divorce, about so many things and missing my ex, looking back I don't know how I got through it, even found a guy or two to fall in love with, but still leave.
Now I truly know the Universe loves us, we are love, total love, the rest is an illusion. An illusion of separation. Just go into your heart when you get mad or sad towards someone, and see what really is hiding in there. It is not your anger, nor your rage, it is deep emotional pain from some childhood trauma just waiting to be heard. That is your inner child, your child who was so hurt it had to fracture into many pieces to be able to deal with the pain. The pain was so deep and so intense, and we were so young. Now is the time of liberation, feeling set free to enjoy life. To dive into that pain to dissolve it, to integrate it as they say. Once that child is cared for and healed, major changes will occur in us, shifts of energy. You will feel it, your friends will see it, and that wound will heal. It is a good idea to have someone around to help you through your feelings if you do not want to go through the pain alone.
I was feeling very sad for a few days over missing my ex. My friend showed me what I truly missed, total connection to someone all the time, to feel totally connected, comforts me knowing someone really cares. I realize how much I need to be connected.
I see that I am suppose to just "be" with this feeling, see where it's coming from and accept it. Not to push it away like I always have, not wanting to sit in the pain so long alone. Does it ever get better, does it ever end?? How long will this integration of my emotions take? I know everyone would be different, your journey is totally personal, so no one would have that answer. The answer would be to just "sit with" that emotion, and be with it each time. Your body will know when it is ready to go deeper, and then it will. It knows how much you can bear at a time, and will take care of us.
I missed the day going to the beach with my daughter, and it saddens me so, that I got upset with her mood, and changed my mind about going. But, I truly wanted to go, but spoke the wrongs words, telling her I didn't! I have done this so much in my life, I hope I can figure out why.
I did work on going through my emotions, where did this feeling come from, and I feel left out and unwanted the way it all happened. So, where did these feelings stem from? No specific incident, just childhood stuff. It made me realize I felt very hurt in the past by girls who were my best friend, and then would just drop me like a hot potato. I never knew why, never understood, but always felt hurt. Cried many tears of feeling left out and alone. I sat with those feelings and realized how lonely I felt in that house all alone, with all the arguing and fighting, and no one there to help me, just feeling all alone. These feelings are new for me to explore. I didn't realize how I even "felt" in that house. I knew I was so happy outside my home, I loved to socialize like my Dad, and always had many friends, especially in High School. So, when I always thought of my past, I remember being happy, but didn't look into my feelings in that house. So, now I know, just great! So, that is where I go, and what I work on, those feelings until they no longer surface and they integrate.
But, I was sad today, it is always a hard day for me when my children give me attitude for no reason at all. It saddens me, but I realize it is the Universe telling me my children need to grow up and spread their wings and fly, regardless if I am happy or not.
Namaste all day ~
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