Hello
So, today I am feeling somewhat better. Being away at the beach yesterday helped break up my sadness, and last night I got a call from Irina! It was great to hear her voice, we haven't spoken all week. She was so concerned with how I was doing, how I was feeling because she knew I was was feeling sad. We talked about my Shaman experience, and she told me I was opening up all of my wounds so I can integrated them into my life now, just what Teal says! She felt I was really getting to the root to my pain, and that is progress. While I explained to her about me feeling like there are knives in my neck, and I worked on removing them, she got chills all over. So many things I told her resonated with her in chills. That is so cool to be that connected to someone that they "feel" you, your energy, your spirit even so far away physically. I explained to her about realizing the knives were pains from blame and quilt from my childhood years, blaming myself for what happened.
We spoke about how I miss my ex so much, and have had these feelings for ten years, on and off since I have been divorced. And it gets me so depressed, worrying about this feeling never leaving, when he is gone, I have to let him go but haven't been able to. She asked me what that feeling is, what do I miss, what did it feel like for me to be with him for thirty years? What did I miss about that feeling of being with him? I realized the amazing sense of oneness and security and knowing someone is always there for me, that is the feeling I had being with him and miss. This is the feeling that keeps coming back to me, and now I get it, I finally understand it! I will have to see where this new information takes me, do I miss him again today? Yes, but definitely not as much as yesterday.
Sometimes it feels like there is too much to figure out, too much work to do. I also wonder where I am right now in my life? I have changes to make, in regards to living arrangements and creating financial abundance. I currently am not working, leaving my care taking job of four small children. So, now I want to write and publish my books and create abundance. I also love to paint, draw, and I want to eventually open up some "Healing Centers" for children that I have created in my mind. So much other work to do. And I need to paint some furniture I have wanted to, cleanse all of my rooms, closets, basement, the entire house, and get rid of so much stuff! Clear the energy and refresh and renew. Moving will have to come, and I am so scared and nervous about that. The girls found a place they love, but are trying to get the funds from their Dad, to help out. I would enjoy living in that same complex, it is very huge,not in any of these northern towns, fifteen minutes south, but enough to be in an entirely new town that I have never been to. I have lots of old memories lurking around me here, Living next to the town my ex grew up in and the home we lived in when our children were small. God, I truly do love him, I always will regardless of the pain. I hurt him too so many times by the words I would write in my journal, words of pain and hate toward him for the pain I felt by his criticisms. I did not realize anything at the time, the pain was beyond anything I could keep enduring along with raising three crazy kids!
I am going through so many emotions, so much turmoil now. Teal explained this in one of her videos about being in the pain. Just accepting it, not trying to change it and abandon myself. That is what I have been doing for ten years. I am now accepting where I am on my journey, accepting I am in physical and emotional pain, and I am working towards health. She explained once you know you are here to follow your bliss and are pure love, then you can dive into your pain and deal with it. Her video was actually so inspiring, you can just feel the way she feels, her emotions resonate with you and you have compassion and sadness for what she explained. She explained yes, it would be hard, but if we all had the courage to do this, we could not even imagine how the world would be, without us suffering. She must have seen such a magnificent image, because it brought tears to her eyes. My heart felt her. She is an amazing woman, one who truly is inside each one of us, healing us, and resonating us to a higher vibration for the greater good of all, if we are open to it. After her workshop in Chicago, I felt her spirit around me all the time. I felt that way when my Mom and Dad passed, it was so comforting. Now, I feel more confused, as time goes on I am starting to question what to do, etc. But, I am not pressuring myself, just taking it day by day, following my joy in and out of the emotions, and trying to do what feels right to me each day. A lot of chilling out, relaxing, summer stuff like the beach, and spending time with my family, and reading and writing of course. It is a better day, I will see how it ends.
My friends from Chicago are so amazing. They have so much love in their hearts I am blessed to have found them, to have found one another again. Teal has explained how these people are our "soul family", and Irina was thrilled! She found her home, and needed that. And she is so young, most of her followers are, that is what's so exciting! They will totally be the major impact on change on this earth in my lifetime! The unconditional love and acceptance was and is so beautiful. Thank you Universe, I am grateful. I am also so grateful for my three awesome, spiritual children!
Namaste ~ I love you!
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