Sunday ~ 3rd day after soul retrieval, feeling loved!

  

Good Morning
This feeling has been so very crazy, this feeling inside is like a beautiful, magnificent flower just opened up in my heart.  And this flower is filled with love.  My cup is so filled, it is overflowing.  This little girl inside has changed my life.  She has made me feel whole, more complete, more secure about who I am and what I need to do.  My words are more kind, more loving, all the time.  I am so happy and so grateful about everything now.  It is that feeling you get when you fall in love, but I have fallen in love with me, myself, my little girl that came home.  I was lost, I feel found, I do not feel alone anymore, at least not now.  I have a new chance at life now, loving myself, giving to the world like I want to give, my body being at ease. 

Today I get to see my Shaman again! So excited I am to see her.  She has a Shamanic Journey at a yoga studio where she works.  I have never done this, but it's a meditation to take you to other dimensions and get in touch with your guides.  I know I am right where I am suppose to be, see how everything is falling so into place for me right now?  
Now, all I think about is writing, writing everything that I am feeling and going through because there are so many changes in me each day.  Before my soul retrieval I was having so many days of tears, and feeling so much like I could not take or deal with the feelings I was having.  Feelings of not knowing how to handle this place anymore, feeling so disoriented.  I don't feel that way any longer, I feel whole and complete.  I think I am starting to feel what my Shaman was explaining, the Universal love that is everywhere, and having my heart open to that.  This is how she started facilitating my healing, asking me what if the love I felt for this man I missed is just a tip on the ice burg?  What if that love can not even compare to love love all around us, in our heart and in our world.  Wow, there aren't even words for that feeling, right? 
First of all, I don't understand why many spiritual leaders haven't explained this.  This is so powerful, I would be telling everyone this.  And if we are not feeling this love, there are reasons why that we can work through and figure out.  For me, it was those feelings as a child of being alone, sad scared, feeling abandoned.  Those were the feelings I blew into the stone when my Shaman asked me to in the beginning of the ceremony.  It was like a ceremony, the rattles, the drums, the breathing, all to help guide my little girl back home, back to me!  It was so intense that the energy was pouring out of my hands, especially my right hand, it was on fire!  My breathing got very deep, very intense, for as long as I could breathe that way, then I remember thinking I was exhausted and needed to slow down.  And that is when she came, easily, willingly, happily.  That is a blessing as well, because my Shaman told me some souls don't want to come back, they are made and angry.  I have been telling her she is safe here now with me, it is safe, and what happened was a very long time ago.  I keep thanking her all the time for coming back home to me, and telling her how much I love her, how excited I am to have her back, and how I feel she is my new best friend!  After leaving the Shaman, I asked her what name she would like, I said to myself, "Carol", and the name "Kady" came after that, so that is her name, Kady.  The funny story is that I only know one Kady, and I know her from Teal.  We met in Atlanta, I was selling Teal's artwork, and she appeared at the table, all bubbly, laughing, giggling, just bouncing up and down with joy.  I couldn't get over her energy.  Then, back at the house when I was very emotional, she just held me and held me, comforting, never letting go.  She was an anchor in my storm, and I thank her for that.  Now I see Kady was there to remind me of my own little girl, and she did.  Now, she is in my heart and I have her forever, and I am forever grateful.
I still love staying in.  I love the home stuff and love to write, and pulled out stuff to paint as well.  I love sitting out back with the birds, and the cardinal couple come to see me.  And the blue jays, I actually saw a couple together yesterday.  While I was driving, I asked Kady what I can do for her and she answered she wanted to go to the forest.  I told her we would go all the time, and I truly love it there too.  I am just trying to find a private spot since I live in Bergen County with homes around, not many forests! I am thinking of taking a trip to the Delaware Water Gap alone for a day or two.  Maybe I will get my son and his friend to take a day trip with me there and go walking.  The trees, water and sun always did something wonderful to me.  Camping with my sister in law last summer at the Delaware Water Gap was a life changing experience also.  To be outside in the earth, waking up to the dawn in the trees, it is magical.  I am so excited to see what Kady has to teach me about the trees.  Will I maybe writing children's books about the knowledge in the trees?  You know me, I am all about the kids.  I guess because I have been searching for my child for a very long time, and now she is home and I am blessed.
                           
Just got off the phone with Cherie, planning things to do Friday night before Teal!  Oh my, I am getting so nervous!  So much to do now!  Since Cherie planned to hang out at the Hotel Friday night in the Court yard, I realized what I could do to help.  Since I am Certified by Doreen Virtue as an Angel Card Reader, and she has other cards as well, Goddess, Romance, and Life Purpose to name a few.  I am also a distributor for Young Living Oils, these crazy, high energy oils.  I love them, and they are like miracles here on earth to help us along our path.  They have created oil blends, and I have bought an oil named, "inner child", specifically for this workshop.  It helps with exactly what the word says, helping us all heal that little child that we sent away because it was to hard for us to bear.  Now is time to call that child back with love, and tell her she is loved, and that you are there now for her.  Keep telling her this when that sadness arises, and eventually she will feel safe and comforted and will come home. 
     
 And that is when you will start feeling that sense of peace, that inner oneness, that Universal flow of love that is always there and does not stop.  We just stop it with our fear and worry, our ego not wanting us to stay in the present moment.  My advice is to just start breathing, just breath!  Calm your mind down, calm down the chatter, take the time to do this and all the answers in your heart will come to you, I promise you.  You see, no one knows your feelings more than you do, and there is no reason to hide them and cover them up.  That makes it harder, you more angry, and you blow up to the people you truly love, all because your heart is aching to be whole, to have that little child back in your lap, a part of you again forever.  Trust me, it is worth the fight, worth the struggle to fight for yourself, for your own life.  Look at how fast people leave this earth due to cancer, and dis-ease.  It is the same, it is one, when Teal looked at me and told me she felt my energy was like a "terminally ill patient", I cried.  Who wouldn't cry?  I had a huge knot in my throat, and she asked me, "Don't you feel that way"?  I said no, then yes.  Yes to when I was vomiting badly in bed for two days, yes, I wanted to be taken away to a peaceful, pain free place.  I will never allow myself to do that again.  But, now its over, gone, and I am worry free.  I am much better than worry free, I am as free as I have ever been.  Free, grateful, blessed, ecstatic, I could go on forever.
Okay, I have to run to my Shaman Journey, I will write tonite!
Love and Light! <3 

Saturday after my soul retrieval

Hello
Wow, so much has happened tome since I visited the Shaman, and my little girl came back home.  I had no idea such a thing could happen, didn't even know when we go through bad childhood trauma we send that child away to keep them safe, the pain is too hard to bear.  I know this is heavy stuff, it is actually really heavy for me too!  I can only tell you what I experienced in that healing and "soul retrieval", and how I am feeling now after it.
Last night I was blessed to be on a "google hangout" with Blake, and a few others that are working on putting the workshop together for Teal Swan, The Spiritual Catalyst.  And I am so blessed and honored to be part of this.  Part of this special "soul family" I found with her, and those who follow her.  After the call, I was so excited jumping up for joy, telling my little girl how exciting and fun it is to be part of this, this is major, this is huge for me.  It's like, "pinch me!"  I went to bed so late, like 1:00, and was so excited, I couldn't sleep all night.  And I was so good with that.  I woke up today so happy, with so much energy, much different than yesterday.  I started cleaning early as I went downstairs and saw my sons room.  It felt like it took five minutes, it felt effortless.  It was like that feeling when you are in love and everything becomes so easy and enjoyable.  Wow, I just had an "aha" moment, this is what the Shaman explained about the Universe have so much more love than you could ever imagine, way beyond loving a man! Ha, I liked that, what an awesome fact to know about the place we live.  No one tells you that, Teal just mentioned it awhile ago on a Podcast, and I embraced the thought.
                              
So, about my new best friend I named Kady, coming home.  I talk to her all day.  I tell her, "good morning and good night".  I love her to death, I tell her I am so excited to hear what she has to teach me about the forest, the fairies and the ocean.  Ahh, a breathe of fresh air just entered my soul and filled it with so much love, along with my heart.  My heart feels so filled.  It is so filled that even when my daughter's dog barks his head off, I tell him I love him, when I use to get upset with him barking all the time!  What a totally different response, huh?  See, that loneliness I felt is gone, gone for now at least.  I feel so happy, so joyful, so light, so free, I feel that little girl who just came home.  She is my new best friend and I am happy, grateful and blessed.  The Shaman said she is here to have fun, to remind me to be like a child again.  Well, that is not hard to do, and with her in my heart it is just within.  
She asked me if we could go to the forest all the time, and I made a promise to her that I would.  The Shaman said she came from the forest and will teach me so much about it, about the fairies and the ocean too.  I just realized I have been drawing pictures of trees my entire life!  Trees, homes, and flowers, and I even have a picture hanging of a colored pencil drawing of a tree that I made with the kids.  It is all synchronicity, all the way the Universe works, but we forget.  I am remembering, and I am becoming so much more whole, and it is an amazing experience.  The Shaman said she has so much to teach me if I let her, she can change my life if I allow her to, well, guess what?  She already has.  And I am so excited to see what a ride it will be.  

I emailed Blake this morning some other ideas I have about the workshop.  I am pretty much into detail and didn't realize it before.  I am so excited that I am going to Boston in five days and will see Irina too! This is going so fast, my life, my changes, I am thrilled. I was going to go visit my kids today, but changed my mind.  I had a beautiful day just staying home, enjoying my kids, brainstorming for Teal's workshop, baking cookies, doing laundry, etc.  I just have so much joy in my heart. 
Feeling so Blessed! 

Planning a Workshop for Teal Swan!!

Hello
I woke up feeling so tired today, exhausted.  I saw 7:00, 8:00, but still stayed in bed, then woke up at 9:00.  It must have something to do with my soul retrieval work yesterday, the Shaman brought back a little girl, my little girl in the forest who left when she was six years old.
So, I laid around all morning, getting on face book to visit my best buddie Irina, and talking to my kids.  Now, I am going to venture out to the beach, because it's a beautiful day and I don't want to be home alone later on such a beautiful day.  I need a beach house to stay at the rest of the summer for free, so I am going to manifest that now! I need a free beach house that needs someone to stay in and watch for the rest of the summer, so I can stay there when I visit and sleep there and really enjoy the energy of the ocean the rest of this summer!  
                                           

After the beach I had an appointment with some of the volunteers for Teal's workshop in Boston, on google hangouts.  I was excited to reconnect with my soul family.  These are the most loving souls I have ever met!  Blake was one of them.  It so fun to get together with like minded souls and create a beautiful event for our spiritual leader, mentor and friend.  And that's the crazy part, because she truly is our friend.  Each one of us who tunes into her, she cares about.  Seriously, personally cares about.  She even wrote to me on face book after the Chicago event, and told me, "I was doing fabulous!"  Omg. Coming from her, that is crazy.  Wow, such cherished moments, moments of gratitude and bliss.  To actually be part of something so big, so big it is going to seriously change the world.  It is up to us, we are the change! 
                                                    

 I am so in love with my life now.  I get to do what I always loved, spread the word of love, spirituality, with people who care.  I am realizing this is what I have been doing all along, but now can take it more serious, give it my 100% each day, because I have the time to do it.  The finances will flow, the abundance of all kinds will flow, because I know I am doing what I love, the way I have always wanted to touch the world, be a voice, make a change!  And now I can post any loving, positive statement that comes to my mind, to others who will appreciate it.  I have found my place to have a voice, and it is beautiful.  It is pure freedom to have those souls who shine their light so bright, in my life all around me.  The souls I met in Chicago and Atlanta through Teal.  They are some of the best ones out there, compassionate, open love.  

So, back to the google chat.  I had such a nice time hanging out with them, they are nice and laid back also.  Teal was raped since she was six years old, from a cult in Utah who took her because of her extrasensory abilities.  My heart feels for her all the time, but somehow she got through it and look at her now, she is one of our leaders coming into herself now.  Not only is she here to help us love ourselves, become whole and realize we can manifest what we want, but she want's to help change the corruption in the world by creating new companies, a new world order, a new earth.  
Feeling so Blessed! Love to all! 

My Soul Retrieval Experience, Truly a Blessing!

         

Wow, this is totally epic.  Anyone needing to progress on their journey, this is like a nice big push ahead!  I just left my second appointment at the Shaman.  What happened is magical.  We talked about my ego, being so strong causing me such bad pain in my neck and head that I couldn't even get to my second appointment.  I know now what the ego is, fear and worry!  It survives on it, and actually since I saw Teal in Chicago in June, it has calmed down in my life.  Just automatically, all on its own, like it knows the secret that we will all be cared for if we follow the flow.  The ego does not want us to live in the present moment in joy, it wants us to remember the pain of the past.  Wow, I never knew all those years and suffering that was my "ego" talking to me.  Now I hear my Spirit Guides all the time, the voices of unconditional love and abundance for me, you, and everyone in this Universe!  
She asked me what feelings am I having a tough time with now, and I explained to her how I have been feeling about missing my ex husband so much again lately, and on and off for ten years.  She asked me what I missed about him.  I explained to her I felt lonely a lot, even though I have a lot of loved ones around me.  Feelings of loneliness and being unloved, and being disconnected from someone.  Then she said, "What if that love you felt with him was only a small portion of the love that is there in the Universe, could you imagine that"? She asked.  Wow, man, I remember Teal mentioning this in one of her own videos, what if there was so much more love than we have ever felt? Well, there is.  I was truly excited when she told me this, It's like, "wow, how awesome is that?" "I would love to experience that", I said to myself.  She explained I have a lot of work to do (meaning trauma), so  it could take time.  She explained it like an onion, peeling off one layer at a time.  She explained to ask the Universe to help me change, to help me to understand, and it will show me as long as I am open to it.  She said this experience can be life changing, it's just up to me as to how I want to use it.  I felt like I wanted to jump up and down for joy, feeling truly ready and excited!  

She explained she wanted to smudge me first.  This process helps to cleanse your energy, it's like when I sage at home weekly to cleanse the energy in my home. Then she pulled out a beautiful bag filled with stones and asked me to pick one.  The Shaman explained the stone has it's own intelligence and it is from mother earth and it can help us to feel the universal love.  Much larger then the love for any man.  She told me to use my breath to make a connection to whatever is blocking my heart from making that connection to the Universal love from mother earth.  To tap into that loneliness I feel and my feelings of being unloved, which was easy to do because I have felt this pain for at least ten years, after my divorce.  So, with those intentions, I blew deeply into the stone three times.  
                                                                            

 She then took the stone and laid me down.  She told me she was opening up her eighth chakra to have the Peruvian Spirits to help us as well.  She asked to place both hands under my back upper and lower, and we stayed there for awhile.  I was totally in the moment and meditating while she was doing this.  She explained that this is called the jaguar out of the trees.  She told me to relax in her hands, and explained that she was going to scan my body to see which chakra was closed the most, and heal that one.  She did this with a nice sounding rattle, shaking it over my body.  My root chakra was closed, so she placed the stone on it and worked on opening it up with the same rattle, shaking it over my root chakra.  Then she took a drum and started beating it, and told me to breathe in through my nose, and out through my mouth, releasing the pain that no longer serves me.  She also placed her hands under my neck and I did the same thing, kept consciously breathing.  She would repeat words offering me to, "let go of what does not serve me", and I repeated them in my thoughts.

Then, she told me she has a soul that would like to come back!  Tears innately started to roll down my cheeks, wow, yes!  "Thank you", I said to myself, to her, thank you for coming back.  She asked me if I wanted her to come back, I said yes, absolutely.  So I sat up, she blew into my forehead for about three times, really hard, then put both of her hands on top of my head even harder and held it there for awhile as if she was trying to keep her there, so she couldn't come out!   It was as if she was plugging her in! 

Then she told me all about her, my inner child, my little girl.  She said she was about six years old, she was  happy playing outside in the "forest", but she was lonely, but happy in the forest with the fairies. She is from the forest, knows the forest, and can teach me many things about the forest and the fairies.  She wants me to go to the forest and sit around a tree for awhile, with my face toward it, hugging it, and to put my forehead on it as well.  The tree will talk to me, so I need to listen to it, along with my little girl.  The Shaman said she has so much to teach me about the forest, and along with her, we will teach each other, the three of us, like a triangle.  She knows the ways of the forest.                                                       
 She also brings a gift with her, a clock, a brass clock from the sea.  So, the sea will teach me lessons as well.  These were all the things she told me.  She explained my little girl stayed away because she was afraid, but the Shaman assured her it was safe, that it would be okay.  What happened was a very long time ago,  and many years has passed since. We had a contract together which is old and void now, and need to make another one.  
                                                                   The Shaman explained that now I should talk to the little girl all the time, ask her what she wants, tell her about your life because she doesn't know.  Tell her about the things you like and want to do.  Treat her like a new best friend, I said to myself.  Wow! This is mind blowing to me.  She said the little girl was alone, sad to be alone, and now she is home.  Home with me, and I will absolutely take good care of her.
The Shaman stated this could cause major changes in my life if I allowed it to.  She reminded me to make sure I talk to her, take care of her, each and every day.  We both have things to teach each other, she said.  She came from the forest with the fairies, she is from the forest!  I told her I was thinking of taking a trip alone for a few days to a campsite on the Delaware, she thought it would be a good idea.

The Shaman explained the soul leaves because if it did stay it would die due to the pain it is suffering, so we send it away to be safe.  She said that sometimes you can not bring your soul back, because the trauma was so bad, you were the one that sent them away, and can not bring them back.  I understand what she is explaining, this is such new information for me.  I thought we could retrieve our souls back by ourselves, so if we can not, this is new information to me.  

As soon as my little girl jumped into my heart, the Shaman spoke many words.  Among the she told me, "She knows how to connect with mother earth, she is from the forest.  You need her, you need her information.  She left because it was not safe.  She knows it is safe to come home now.  Ask her what she wants to teach you.  Talk to her all day, bring her up to date about your life, she has been gone a long time.  Show her the earth outside, go to the forest and sit near a tree and talk to her.  Take care of her like she is a new child in your life because she is."  Then the Shaman and I started crying.  

After the Ceremony was finished I sat up, the Shaman told me I did great, and we hugged for such a long time, with me thanking her.  Holding her hands I expressed my gratitude for her helping me along this sacred ceremony.  She explained how honored she was to be part of this experience and of course wished me luck.  She also wanted me to keep in touch and let her know my progress.  She explained some more things to me about the Soul Retrieval Ceremony.  She explained that since my rood chakra was blocked, it blocked my sense of security.  We spoke about passion and how passionate I am, and she explained that my passion will have more depth, now that my chakra is open it will ground my passion, making it easier to accomplish what I want to here on earth.  I explained how I feel I am in two worlds, she said opening my root chakra will help me ground here on this earth more, allowing me to accomplish what I want to.  The passion will be more grounding.  She also explained about my little girl who came back, and explained as I work with her, she will change everything, this could change my life if I allowed it to.  As soon as my root chakra was cleared, she appeared to the Shaman.  I asked if I should name her, and she said maybe she will tell you her name, and as I left and walked to my car, the name Kady popped into my head.  Kady was a beautiful, happy young soul I met at a Teal Swan Workshop.  
                                        
I asked the Shaman about doing your own Soul Retrieval work, because I have been learning about inner child work, something I have been doing for weeks now.  The Shaman explained that sometimes you can not do it yourself, I could not have because the trauma was so bad, I sent her away myself, because the frequency from her was in danger, and would have died if she stayed.  So, since I sent her away because I was protecting her energy, I could not bring her back.  She can make huge changes in my life if I allow her to and speak to her all the time.  The Shaman also explained that she was very happy to come back, and not all souls are even willing to come back.  So, I am happy!

Wow, as I left, I felt so close to this Shaman it was amazing.  My gratitude for her is beyond words.  What she has already done for me today, is already life changing, I feel it.  I feel my little girl in my heart space, opening it up 100 times more!  I walked to my car so happy and joyous, feeling so much love in my heart I could not contain it!  I spoke to my little girl and told her I will do anything to keep her happy, and I will tell her everything up to date, and talk to her all the time until she does integrate.  But, I already felt as if she did, she is already here with me inside, deep inside my heart, I am her and she is me, and I am so glad she is home!
With Love and Light to all! <3 

Tears Today from my Past

Hello
I have had a hard past few days it seems, with lots of tears, tears of loss, of separation, and feeling disconnected.  I have been crying over missing my ex the past day or two, I use to cry about missing him all the time.  But today, I can trust the feelings are deeper, and go back to my childhood, which I did.  I felt a big loss of separation with my Mother, and abandonment.  When I went back to those feelings, visions came to me like never before, about my birth, and prior to.  It made me cry, I cried all morning on and off, even as I drove in the car to go visit my family on the beach,  I was crying over some of it. 
                                               
It's all okay now, knowing I can manifest whatever I want.  For now I am trying to take it slow.  But that is hard to do sometimes, but then my back goes into a spasm and I have to stop and rest.  Rest is suppose to be my focus, but you know me how I have so many hobbies and projects I love to do.  I always have plenty of things to keep me busy, and doing art that I love to do. 

It is so sad, I truly felt my ex and I were true soul mates, here to stay together this lifetime and work it through, and come back together again.  I feel love for him now, and understanding and sympathy and compassion.  And I know he needs love, we all are broken, until we fix ourselves through love. Love and the pain of going back to search for the answers. I wish I could help him, but I can not, he hasn't spoken to me in years.

That's it for now, love and light! 

Being Alone with Your Pain

           

I woke up feeling better today and relieved.  Relieved after the day I had yesterday with my pain, my ego, and my inner child.  So today I took it easy all morning, sitting at my computer writing.  My daughter came in my room to talk, which she doesn't do very often anymore.  She is my oldest and in the morning she usually likes her time alone in her room, doing her own thing, which is great she enjoys her time alone.  Some of us are never alone, afraid of being by ourselves, afraid our ghosts may come out.  Some people run their entire lives, not stopping to take one breath to self reflect.  Not blame others, not complain about others, but reflect within ourselves to see how we are doing.  To see how we are really "feeling" about things.  Being alone is where we connect to our inner source, our inner guidance, helping us along the way to grow, evolve, integrate and become whole.  Oneness is within ourselves, which starts with being honest with ourselves.  Be honest with who we truly are, what we project to others, and what our pain is truly about.  Then it integrates within us and goes away! 

When I am yelling at you, what is really hurting inside of me?  So many are unaware that this is happening, living in denial and blaming others.  There was a time I would blame others for my crap too, but not anymore.  I have learned, I have grown, we all can and will if we want to.  

My daughter and I spoke a lot about her relationship with guys lately.  This is the second guy she has spoken to for awhile, and he is not 100% there for her.  The guys seem to get close, then pull away.  We were discussing why this could be happening to her again.  I tried to ask her how it made her feel, and then whatever those feelings are, try to tap into an experience from your childhood that made you feel that way.  You could actually sit alone, close your eyes, and ask yourself when was the first time you felt that way, and usually an answer just pops in your head.  Either a thought, a vision, anything will do.  Once you get that thought, you could comfort that child in a way that will make you feel better.  And just sit with those feelings and the child, and telling them, you are there with them now.  This is actually called "inner child work", stuff we don't learn about unless you get to a therapist who believes in this technique, or hear it from others.  The theory is, we attract what we feel, the vibrations we put out.  That pain from childhood wants to be let out and the Universe will send people in our life to give us the opportunity to deal with it.  It is only with "dealing with it", will we get over it, and be a match to other situations.  My spiritual community says this is the time now for many of us due to the energy around, the time of going into our past, releasing, releasing.  Like what I was feeling yesterday, those tears were tears of releasing.  I just allowed it to happen, honoring myself and being where I needed to be to heal for that day.

And it is a new day, feeling so much better emotionally.  My pain is still bad, but my emotions are better.  My daughter and I spoke a lot about a book I asked her to read by the Hicks, "Sara", what amazing books.  They are about the power of your thoughts, and how the universe works as far as the law of attraction.  This is one of the most powerful books I have ever read about these laws, and it is written as a story, for young children to read.  Solomon the eagle, knows all and helps Sara figure out how the power of our thoughts control our life.  I am proud my daughter read the book finally, and now we can talk about it, reminding each other of our new outlook and new ways of thinking.  One major point in the book, is to focus on what makes you "feel" good, not what makes you "feel" bad.  Like if the news is sad and you are feeling bad about it, turn your attention onto what feels good.  Then focus on good feelings, things that make you feel good, and decide what you want that will make you feel good, then the end result is, you manifested it.  So powerful to learn at a young age if you could.  I would love to go to all the elementary schools in the world and give each child a copy of this book, each school system should have their children read it for summer reading.  It is a new way of thinking, it would transform the world if every child realized this at a young age.  There are adults that will never learn this way of life, and I am only starting to now.  It is beautiful to believe you can create what you want, it is already given to us, and so it is.
                                      

The book teaches to not complain about others issues either, because that is what you will draw to you.  Negativity, feeling bad, and more things to feel badly about.  Instead, to focus on their good qualities, and to be grateful, and then we will receive more grace, and receive what we want to create.  It makes sense, seems so easy, right?  It also depends on how old you are too, and it is a big change of a way to live if you are used to complaining about everyone and everything, "focusing" on things that make you feel "bad", instead of "good".  So, I have decided to focus on things that make me feel "good", and find my joy.  I am in a better place than I have been in ten years with regards to my life, and I know all of this work has helped me get there.  And I have only just begun.

Namaste all day!

An Amazing Condo in the Woods

Today, I decided to venture out to Mahwah to look for a place to live, where there are a lot more trees, woods and land.  I had to use a realtor, even though I didn't want to, who wants to pay a month security deposit for nothing?  But, I did not see many rentals on Craigs List, and I am not waiting until the last minute for this.  I want to know where I am going so I can relax, and feel at ease.  This Condo was in a huge complex, along with a pool.  My girlfriend of long ago, actually bought a Condo here when we first were having children.  They are so nice because they kept all the trees, and just seemed to built the Condos around them!  The realtor took me down so many steps to get to it, which I loved that it was far away from everyone.  There was a small court yard, with about eight doors leading to condos.  As she opened the door, we walked upstairs to a small living area with a huge cathedral ceiling, which I loved!  I loved the open floor plan, and instantly fell in love with the room due to the windows with so much eastern light.  There also was a corner window, and a deck off  the living room, along with a gas fireplace, and a bedroom on the first floor.  The kitchen was small, but up the stairs was another bedroom, like up on a loft.  I absolutely loved the space, and told her I did and decided to fill out an application that she said she would send by email.                                              
                                     
I was so happy and thrilled when I left, feeling like I found the place I would love to move into.  The two bedroom unit was only a few hundred more, and I intended to use the second room for my Healing Room, and have others come to my Condo in the woods for healing!

After I left I went to a few other Condo Communities in Mahwah, and none of them compared to this one.  I loved it there, its so much in the woods.  I would love this space and could picture myself in a snowstorm, looking out the windows at the snow, becoming so very creative.  When I arrived home, I was exhausted and in so much pain, forgetting to even look at the application.  I don't know why my body aches so much when I run around all day, I have to figure this one out.  I have one more place to look at in the morning, which I still will do, just in case.
 Then, I will see what happens, and hopefully have a place soon.  
Namaste

My Appointment with my Shaman that didn't happen

Today I had my second appointment with an amazing Shaman healer.  I awoke in such serious pain.  So, I took some Excedrin to calm it down because I HAD to go.  Well, forget it, that made me vomit.  Because I would have had to leave at 10:00 AM, I had to cancel.  I made a phone call to her, she didn't answer, so I sent her an email.  This feeling is really strange, I don't understand what is going on.  Strange was that I keep flowing with tears.  Just tears, uncontrollably, I don't even understand why.  Not over sad memories, not from the physical pain, well it did start there.  I first asked myself why I had to feel this way all the time, how not cool it was (My first problem, abandoning the way I am feeling).  So, I kept crying uncontrollably, allowing myself to release whatever needed to be.

My Shaman called me back, and we spoke a bit.  She explained that my ego doesn't want to let go.  Hello, what?  She told me she sent me an email and asked me some questions, to check it out.  So I did, and I will think of what she said today.  I also decided to put a shout out to Teal Swan, The Spiritual Catalyst, because I know she is interested in our spiritual progress, which this is.  The crying, the pain, the suffering, is all part of that spiritual journey to enlightenment.  The enlightenment is inside of us, and then we realize we are all one all connected to each other, all that same source energy surrounding us, in our veins beating in our blood.  It is a difficult path of feeling and emotions, when we have pushed them aside most of our lives.  But I can no longer do that, even unconsciously, due to my physical pain.  I have no other choice but to walk right into the fire, the thing is, we are all already in it, but afraid to face it, face the truth, the hurts from the past.  No matter if we deal with our pain or not, it will affect us even if we are ignorant of it.  Even if we aren't at all aware or enlightened it's there in our rage.  It's there in our anger, our voice, our pain shines through.  But we don't realize that about each other, that those angry people are just so hurt inside, just like you and I but more intense, and so they blow up.  That is how their pain comes out.  So, it's there no matter what. 
                      
 Better to deal with it I say, and go through a different type of pain, but this time when I come out, I am shining my light so much brighter for all to see.  And this allows me to be a holding hand to someone else in need, and a lending ear.  We all want that connection, we thrive for it, even if we don't realize it.  It is there, deep in our core, eating at us because we want to be loved, connected, cared for and understood.  Through our spiritual journey we realize the importance of sharing our pain, and that sends a wave to allow others to share their own pain, and thus we heal together.  We must be patient with our healing, healing takes time.  We should allow it, and accept it while it is happening.  Like I am doing today with my pain, I am going to sit with it today, honor myself and my pain, and let the tears shed.  Shed of releasing stuff I am not even aware of.  But this time, honoring myself enough to stay with it, and not run out the door and run some errand, or watch something to take my mind off.  To just sit with it and be with it and accept it along with asking myself questions. 
                                  After checking out face book, and getting support from my tribe there, I decided to call one of my soul buddies.  She was a tremendous support, telling me this is an opportunity to accept my ego and get to know it, not to chase it away, because that is abandoning ourselves.  So, her words comforted me. 
 I have been outside for awhile so I think I will go inside and take a nap.  
After laying down, I decide to check my email and see if Teal got back to me on face book, and she did.  I specifically asked her how our ego could be so strong that it can cause pain in your physical body.  She explained the ego will do anything to hold on, without the physical illusion, the ego has nothing.  The ego is fear and worry and will dissolve. (That was my thought).  She also explained a part of me is not ready for this process and of moving forward, and I should be aware of this to help the process.  Once again I am grateful for Teal, she is so amazing, so caring and compassionate with unconditional love.  So psyched she responded, and I will sit with this for awhile, which I am.  
After sitting with those thoughts, I told my ego it was all going to be okay.  Whatever happens you served me well, I love you and thank you.  I told it not to be afraid of the changes, all will be okay.  I don't know why I said all of this, it just came to me, and when it comes, it is from a higher source, so now I know to listen.  To listen to my intuition, and my Spirit Guides.  It is so beautiful on this journey to have spirit guides to help us along.  The sad thing is we are not taught this as a child, and some of us many never become aware of them again.  I realized my guides were those little voices in my head telling me what to do all along and I ignored them.  Telling me to stop giving all of my energy to being a nanny, to follow my spiritual talents for abundance.  For months I heard this voice and ignored it. I ignored it because I needed the money so badly and love the families so much.  Know I know, now I listen, and now I love that connection, and honor it.
                                                                     
See, even through all of this pain I am in physically and emotionally, I am growing, changing, raising my vibration.  And I see this more when I am out there in the world, and synchronicity's occur all day.  And manifestations like the day I spent with my niece and her husband.  And the people I see on the street now are all loving, kind, open souls, and I see our connection more and more.
I have been painting my daughter's bedroom the last few days, and now that it is finished and she is gone for the day, I want my son to come and help me put the furniture in her room.  He is on his way now so we can get that done, and surprise her when she gets home!  Yay, she's been talking to a guy and he has been acting weird, so it will help cheer her up, he room is larger than the other room she had.  My son came with his friend, and we finished her room.  I had the urge to paint so was getting it ready before he came.  I keep getting the urges to write and paint all the time now, but now I am going to act on it more than I have.  It seems I am putting other things first, who even knows what, but not what I am being called to do right now.  I am going to follow the advice,  just for today follow your joy, do what makes you feel good.  Love yourself, be kind to yourself, and I wish everyone soft, easy lessons on their life path!
Namaste, love and peace always!