February 24, 2014

Love, boy oh boy! 
It's as if my eyes were wide open again, an awakening to new thoughts and realizations about myself.  On my spiritual journey, I have found amazing new souls, and with that weekend of free love, compassion and understanding, it has opened up my heart to new heights!! Which is happening each and every day.  Everything I do now I see so differently, surely more from a loving heart! And the love that is shared is joyous, and the raging ones seem to walk away.  I feel energy in such a different way now, more intense, and see those people so different now.  With much more love and compassion, trying to find their way just like me, but letting go of them to find their way.
I had a beautiful surprise this morning!  One of my sister in laws called to chat, but we really don't talk on the phone, keep in touch by visiting, facebook, and texting.  I actually was a bit worried at first, that there was a problem.  Wow, much to my surprise we spoke of all the new awakenings I have been having about realizing the truth in others and not just pretending they are great.  I have come to some harsh realities this past year about my family not being all I thought they were!  All because I am learning to love myself, care for myself first, my wants and needs and ask myself "What do I want to do?"  Wow, what a different way to look at life to me.  I saw some family as so kind and giving to me, and in reality they were not as much as I thought.  Actions do speak louder than words and Love is a verb.  So, I have gently let these people go for awhile, to give me room for more loving, kind, positive people in my life.  My sister in law was helping me see this, talking to her "deeper" than we ever did.  I even told her, "Wow, when did you learn all of this?"  I never saw her as deep and spiritual, Godly yes being raised Catholic, but not this way.  She made me feel very loved, I explained how in the past I had a big bite because how I was raised with six brothers, being in the middle and pretty beaten up my entire life.  Our home was filled with so much chaos, my parents always arguing and yelling, and my brothers and I fighting with each other, physical as well.  I realize how It made me defensive, and I would speak my mind too much at times, hurting others feelings.  Now, I try to keep my mouth quiet as much as I can, unless I am asked my opinion.  I am tired of those battles, I choose not to engage in them any more. And I feel calmer, no need to go there with them.
We spoke about my childhood, not truly loving myself and feeling loved, not remembering one fun time in my house growing up.  But always blessed with God's light to shine throughout my day in School, etc., because I was really happy and social.  I told her how blessed she is to have such loving, kind people around her, because she has a group of friends they get together with every weekend, and she agreed.  She explained how now they accept me with open arms, very lovingly, but did not years ago because the place I was in.   
I have been a single mother for ten years, and it has been an emotional, financial and physical struggle, and that was my focus.  My concern was to purge ahead, also in physical pain, to provide for my children and myself.  I guess I was not always happy along the way.  I hope I was not so rude to everyone, it was a really hard time for me.  And if you are always criticized and insulted for years, how could you feel good about yourself and shine your brightest light to others?  You can't!  I cried for years over how my ex received custody of my kids.  How he could have done this to his family, his children and me, what could he have been thinking when he was such a loving man when we married.  And how I missed them so and cried for years when they weren't with me.  I am glad those years are over, and have lots of making up to do to my kids, and am appreciating them each and every day!
Now my kids are grown, don't need me like before, and we will all be on a new journey soon.  I have been working on what I really want to do for work, and where I want to live.  I have written some children's books, I will self publish soon.  This was a major self love task for me, finally owning my love for writing, and knowing I deserve it as well, and that yes, it is good enough!  This is so liberating for me I feel alive and awake now.  Children's books about love, loving oneself, and Angels!  So fun!  And moving out of this area, where my ex lives, too many reminders of sadness around me, this was where he was raised, and I never liked it!  People tend to be too fast, too rushing, too rude, forgetting the meaning of life, not being very aware and conscious.  But I stuck it out over thirty years, and now I am free, to go wherever I choose. 
My sister in law made me feel so loved, so accepted, and I am so grateful for that.  I have known her over 35 years, and there were years we did not see eye to eye on things, and did not even speak to one another. But, I told her I am happier than I have ever been, on the road to recovery of loving myself, and now honestly knowing we do create our future, we came here to create what we want to, so go do it!  And, that is what I plan to do, no matter what it takes.  I hope you do so as well! May all beings be free of pain and suffering in all ways!! Namaste!