So, this will be week three being home from Teal's Workshop in Chicago. Checking in with my feelings, I am still pretty good. I wake up happy every day, grateful to be where I am, remembering just to "be". Just to let the day flow, purposely not making plans, so I can just "be". I putz around in the garden, water the plants and make some tea in the morning. I usually enjoy checking in on Face book, to see how my Teal friends are doing, and my family. I give advice if I can, and support the ones I know. I always like to keep up with Teal's new information, her blog, her Saturday "Ask Teal Episodes", and "Tea Time with Teal", with Teal and Sarbdeep every Wednesdays. It seems as if she is reading my mind, because everything she puts out there, is something I was just asking myself about. It's like I ask, and she answers. I say hello to her all day, and thank her as well. She has become a large part of my life in spirit, like a guide helping me on this journey, that is so well needed. I ask my spirit guides for help each and every day and feel their loving guidance as well.
I laid around today, the girls went to tan at their Dad's. It use to bother me when they left, feeling so left out, and now it's okay. I am okay with staying home, energizing and doing anything I want. Not telling myself what I "should" be doing, just doing whatever I feel like at any given moment. It is easy to do this when you don't have obligations to run to every day, such as work, work, work, etc. I always have too many things I want to do anyway. I took some colored pencils out and tried to finish a Mandala I started in Chicago. I love art, I love to create, to draw, paint, write, anything. It is so fun to express your soul in that way, and when you are in that state, it is one of pure joy. I would love to be able to paint with vibrations like some other artists do. I am starting now to take some time to work on the creative projects I have wanted to get done, like framing the kids pictures I bought frames for, like putting together a scrapbook for them, and painting some old furniture I have white.
It was a really hot day here today, I couldn't even sit out back all day like I love to do. I bring my books, computer, etc. and do all my work outside now, all the time. So, I stayed in, and after coloring with the pencils, my daughter and I took a ride to run some errands. I came home, made some dinner for myself and laid down a few minutes and decided to do some work and watch the video of me on stage with Teal in Chicago. This time it was not as emotional for me. Each time I see it, I learn so much more. I talk too much, I am so nervous and talk with my hands. She said so much to me, it was crazy. She told me I was lucky, my pain is giving me the opportunity for major expansion, if I can open myself up to be in the pain, and just be with it. She said the Universe wants me to become whole so much, it is doing this to me so I will stay home and care for myself. Accept the pain I am in and not run from it like I have been doing, by just wanting to be "healed". I shouldn't and I can't should be phrases I no longer use. Maybe the Universe is giving me the opportunity to integrate my past childhood pain so I can become whole. Wow, how beautiful, how amazing. Who knew the Universe worked this way and cared so much about us to become whole it will do anything to throw it in our face to, "wake us up". Yes, for sure. She taught me so much that day, I will be forever grateful. How someone would take the time, to help you realize your pain, and walk you through it, just to help you heal, and become whole, and further expand the Universe!
Each day I am releasing past pain. Either visions come out of nowhere, or I get upset about something and I stop myself and realize the Universe is setting me up to integrate some old painful memory or feeling. I am also aware of my triggers, and take that energy like Teal said, and go within and see where it is coming from. It definitely becomes easier the more you go with your feelings. It seems to work pretty well, I can get to that place of pain and sadness, cry, then it goes away. Teal said I was afraid to feel, to feel pain and positive emotion. Every time I would get excited about something as a child, it was knocked down by mother, crushing my joy and hope. I do remember her always telling me when I was so happy about something, "Don't count your chickens before they are hatched!" I use to hate when she said that, when I felt we had to dream to have what we wanted. So, Teal said it is hard for me to stay in a vibration of positive focus, due to my past experiences of feeling joy. I will no longer be a victim of feeling, feeling anything, pain or joy. I am now free to feel however I am feeling at the moment, and accept that feeling, and allowing it to just be. I will not push it aside any longer, abandoning myself as I did, for most of my life. My life has to change, and the time is now, or I will not be able to live a joyful, blissful life with my children, family and loved ones. Teal was very serious about many things she said to me, and one was about changing my life drastically, which I did by quitting my job, and the next step is my children moving into their own place, and spreading their wings to fly like they can not wait to do. It is ok, it is time!
I am no longer afraid to live, I no longer live in fear of the future. I live in the moment, following my joy, seeing what each moment brings, and always being with myself first. Always checking in with my feelings, and what I really want to do.
I am learning so much, and feel so free, thanks to you, Teal Swan! I am forever grateful!
Namaste ~
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